RAZOR, February, 2005

How to sex up Hallmark’s favorite holiday

By Anna David

Probably one of the biggest misconceptions men have about women is that we actually like Valentine’s Day. The fact is, I know plenty of women – both single and coupled off — who think that the holiday is an over-hyped, depression-inducing day that’s surely only enjoyed by those whose pockets are being lined by the sales of Hallmark cards.

I firmly believe that the best way to get through February 14 is to forgo those presents of yesteryear — we know you never liked those heart-covered boxers and you’ve probably figured out by now that we don’t really eat chocolate anymore (unless it’s the Atkins-approved, gas-inducing kind), and someone in the cubicle next to us is always going to have a more impressive bouquet. In short, it’s time to sex those presents up.

Though I’m not suggesting you rush out to a local sex store and purchase a shiny gold cock ring, in many situations sex toys can make appropriate gifts. The days of men being threatened by buzzing, battery-operated devices are hopefully long-gone, as more and more of you realize that the vibrator is friend, not foe. It can be used either when you’re not around but thoughts of you are, or as a tool (so to speak) to heighten our experience with you. Of course, panache is key when it comes to a gift of this nature.

My friend Jessica, a saucy Aussie journalist who found herself in “a sexually charged relationship” with a guy she’d been seeing for about three weeks, was fooling around with him once when he told her he had something for her. “Next thing I know, he reaches into a drawer and pulls a vibrator out,” Jessica told me, laughing. “I just thought, ‘Yuck, who knows how many places that’s been?’”

Yet, when handled differently, vibrators can produce polar opposite reactions. My friend Phil, a venture capitalist who lives in New York with his wife of a year, recalls the buzz of their early courtship fondly. “When we’d been dating for about three or four months, we got into some conversation about experimentation,” he remembers. “We went to a sex store together and I got her the Rabbit Pearl [a vibrator that’s been featured memorably on Sex and the City], which she loved so much it broke.”

In case you haven’t noticed, the sex toy business is booming, with websites selling everything from Supple Nips (for stimulating and enlarging nipples) to something called the Anal Tunnel of Love (and no, I’m not making that up). My friend Kate swears by the Itty Bitty Bump-N-Grind, a rubber device that a man wears which holds a tiny bullet vibrator and also has a slew of thin ticklers hanging off of it that are activated by the bullet’s vibrations. You can also find such wacky items as an Impulse Computer Accessory (that attaches to a computer via USB cord) and a Vibrating Pleasure Periscope (that, with its see-through tip and mirrors, allows women to see what’s going on inside when they’re excited — something which may only be exciting to gynecologists).